


Falling for You

by MortisBane



Category: Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 18:35:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21378673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MortisBane/pseuds/MortisBane
Summary: Eli always thought all the holograms and romance novels were overreacting when they described love. They said it was this all encompassing feeling that filled your heart and your soul, made you sweat and shake, longing for just an image of the person that consumed your thoughts. All of it had sounded utterly ridiculous to him.
Relationships: Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo/Eli Vanto
Comments: 4
Kudos: 79





	Falling for You

Eli always thought all the holograms and romance novels were overreacting when they described love. They said it was this all encompassing feeling that filled your heart and your soul, made you sweat and shake, longing for just an image of the person that consumed your thoughts. All of it sounded utterly ridiculous to him. Through his youth and into his adult life, he just assumed it was over exaggerated pomp and circumstance to entertain an audience, and he had no care for any of it.

He never felt such feelings, never had any thoughts like all the people in those stories did. Either they were all just being over dramatic, or love just wasn’t for him. Which was fine, he grew up watching his older cousins, and his friend’s older siblings dating and fantasizing about settling down with a spouse, dedicating their lives to a union which half the time seemed to fail in the end.

Relationships seemed interesting, and he had a few, but they never ended well, and by the time he left for the academy, he’d given up on them entirely. No one ever made him feel fuzzy inside, made him crave their touch, their smile, nothing compelled him to make them smile outside of the friendship between them. Kissing was nice, and the few times in his teen years when he’d gotten a little farther was definitely something, but the idea of tethering himself to someone, for the long term just was too much for him. It wasn’t appealing. He wanted love, wished for it to be real, but this far in his life, he didn’t think it really did. Most of the people around him were either single or not happy in their relationship, even his parents didn’t resemble what all the holos and the books say. Love was just a trap, something society uses to keep people complacent by giving them something to work for.

That was until he met Thrawn. The man swept into his life like a tornado and mixed up his entire heart at the same time. At first, he thought the stirring in his chest and gut was anger or resentment, because this Chiss came in, changed up his career path, and threw his life for a loop. So they went through the academy, Eli trying to ignore how his stomach would flutter whenever he and Thrawn were together. Once they graduated it would go away, he told himself. But then Eli was carted off along with Thrawn, cursed to follow the alien’s career, and the feeling never went away.

Then, he began to like Thrawn, came to respect him and even enjoy his presence. They were becoming friends, but he was feeling worse. He’d stare at Thrawn, stumble over his words when the alien would compliment him, he’d go out of his way to make Thrawn happy. That could have all just been Eli’s desperation to keep the only friend he had left now, but when Thrawn smiled at him, a real, genuine smile, Eli’s face bloomed with heat and his heart clenched in his chest, and he finally realized what was happening. He had a crush on Thrawn, and possibly even worse, he was falling in love with him.

The feeling was so weird, strange, uncomfortable, but at the same time, it was ecstasy. The way his heart would jump and his skin would warm when Thrawn gave him light touches. How pride would bubble up in him every time he got Thrawn to laugh. More than once he’d find himself staring up at his ceiling in the dark, thinking of Thrawn, of holding his hand, pulling him into an embrace, resting his head against his chest, pressing his lips to his. Eli had lusted before, but he had never longed.

It had to be love, romantic love, there was no other feeling he hadn’t felt before, and no matter what he did, it wouldn’t pass. Despite reminding himself that Thrawn was his superior officer, and completely not interested in Eli, he couldn’t shake it. In fact, it seemed only to get worse with time. He wanted, more than he’s ever wanted anyone in his whole life, and for the first time, he thought there might have been some truth to those holodramas.

Yet still, Thrawn seemed not to notice his feelings. Or, more likely, did not care to acknowledge them. No doubt he must have noticed, but he never spoke up about them, or even raised a brow to Eli when his face would bloom in heat after a long day and Thrawn would strip down to his pants and undershirt.

It was affecting his work, he could tell. Finding himself drifting off in his thoughts, daydreaming about Thrawn like a lovesick teenager would do in class. It was driving him mad, love was always shown as this amazing warm feeling, that was always reciprocated and everyone got their happily ever after. But this was agony, like he was drowning more and more each day, and Thrawn stood beside him, watching him suffer, while not raising a hand to help. Instead, each smile, every touch, every word of praise, felt like Thrawn was reaching out and pushing him further and further underwater.

He wanted to be free of these feelings, of the building pressure inside of him. To release it all and go back to just being distant friends with Thrawn. He contemplated asking for transfers more than once, just to put some distance between them. Thinking that, without the proximity, he might actually be able to breathe once more. But the crushing fear of never being able to see Thrawn’s smile again held him back from ever voicing those requests.

In his darkest moments, he would slink away, usually when they were on Coruscant awaiting news on Thrawn’s latest court martial, and go to the lower levels, seeking out a sleazy partner for the night, just to get out his pent up emotions. A willing person content to release sexual tension and go about their ways, no emotions, no thoughts, never to see each other again. It was a temporary fix for a seemingly permanent problem. Surely Thrawn knew what he got up to when he’d disappear at late hours of the night, and return smelling like sweat and regret. Unless the alien truly was too dense to those sorts of activities.

As time passed, and he resorted to that method more and more, the impact lessened more and more. Before, he could gain some release from the suffocating emotions plaguing his heart, for a short time, but it had begun to fail him. To the point where he thought it all a waste, a needless excursion that would do nothing to help him, but he still tried, because what else was there for him to do? But when you tempt fate, when you gamble, you have to be prepared to lose, and Eli wasn’t.

Having taken another faceless partner he picked up at some nameless club, and pulling them along with him into a cramped closet to do their business and part, Eli made his first and final mistake. The sensations were getting to him, the music outside the closet, the beat pounding into his skull, the close proximity, the fact that this man was nearly a head taller than him, it all worked well together to let him slip away, to get caught up in it all, and to mess up. He didn’t even realize what he’d done until he came back down from the high, his partner looking down at him with a knowing look, as if they knew everything that was plaguing his thoughts.

“Is Thrawn who you’d rather be with, pretty boy?” He said in a voice that wasn’t deep enough, that was too gravely. It took Eli another second or two before the realization clicked, he’d called out Thrawn’s name, instead of, whoever this man was. His face bloomed in heat, and a growing sense of dread clutched at his heart making him sick in the very pit of his stomach.

“I-I’m sorry I-” He began to defend himself, wishing that the closet would instead just swallow him up, only to be interrupted by the door sliding open. Both Eli and the man turned to look, wide eyed, hoping that with how closely pressed they were, they at least were covered, and seeing who was there, Eli truly wanted to actually die.

Thrawn was there, he’d know those damn glowing eyes anywhere, in civilian clothes, looking down upon them both with a look that bordered indifference, and anger. Quickly, desperate to conceal himself before Thrawn, he pushed the man away and hiked his pants up to regain some dignity. The man followed much slower, sizing Thrawn up as if he were preparing to fight.

“Ensign Vanto, do you require assistance? I heard you call me.” Thrawn spoke, his voice far too cold for Eli’s liking.

“Ensign? Y’all are Imps?!” The man shouted, looking down at Eli then back up at Thrawn. “I was never here!” He pushed Eli away, and brushed past Thrawn, the Chiss letting him go. “What I get for goin’ for whores.” He mumbled as he went, but Eli easily heard him, the shame coming back once again, his entire body felt on fire and he averted his gaze, wishing that Thrawn would just stop looking at him like that.

“No sir, sorry. You must have misheard.” He spoke, staring down at Thrawn’s boots.

“Who was that man?” Eli mentally cursed and flinched at Thrawn’s words.

“No one, sir. Why are you here?” Hopefully he could deflect and draw away from what Eli and that man had very obviously just been doing.

“Please do not call me sir down here.” Thrawn spoke instead, and the surprise had Eli actually looking up to meet Thrawn’s eyes.

“You’re the one who called me Ensign!” He defended, feeling all his anger, shame, embarrassment, and disgust rising into his bark.

“To instil rank on a civilian, Eli. Now please, tell me why you are down here.”

“I asked you first.” He lifted his chin, trying to convey some of the confidence he wasn’t feeling at all.

“Not here then.” Thrawn reached forward to grab Eli’s hand, then hesitated a moment and instead opted for the wrist, pulling him along out of the club. Eli could do nothing more than follow along, feeling like a teenager being caught fooling around in public and being dragged back to his parents. But he wasn’t some teenager anymore, he was an adult, a member of the Imperial Navy, he didn’t need to be dragged to a lecture. He pulled his hand free of Thrawn’s hold, and walked in front of him.

“I can walk,  _ sir _ .” He placed emphasis on ‘sir’, making sure Thrawn knew that this was strictly a professional situation, regardless of the context. Thrawn had no right to follow after him and track him down during their personal time.

“Very well, Ensign.” And somehow, that hurt worse than the looks.

They walked in complete silence, only the clip of their boots there to remind Eli of the Chiss behind him. When they reached their shared quarters Eli felt both relief and a new wave of dread wash over him. As soon as the door shut behind them, Eli made for the refresher, wanting to escape Thrawn’s gaze, his questions, that look. But of course, he couldn’t be given such a liberty.

“Ensign Vanto, a moment.” Thrawn called after him, halting him before he was even halfway there.

“Thrawn, please.” He begged, shoulders slumping, letting all of his desperation out into his voice. “I don’t want to discuss this. I just...want to forget this night ever even happened.” He glanced over his shoulder, back at Thrawn, catching a look at his expression, it did not seem swayed.

“Did that man hurt you?” He asked instead of giving Eli some mercy. Eli scoffed and shook his head, gaining some defiance he hadn’t realized he had, and turned on Thrawn.

“No, Thrawn, he didn’t. I sought him out, we had sex then you showed up. Satisfied?” He was raising his voice, but he didn’t care.

“No.” Thrawn took a step closer, face looking grim. “Why did you call out for me.”

“I didn’t, I told you, you were mistaken!”

“Eli Vanto, we both know I am never mistaken about what I observe.” Eli grimaced, because he was right. Thrawn didn’t mishear things, he didn’t see things wrong, and he never forgot details. And Eli couldn’t lie, couldn’t say he was talking about Thrawn because he was he had to return to his superior officer, because Thrawn knew the man didn’t know he was Imperial until he said something. There was nothing he could say that would be convincing enough to Thrawn other than the truth. Well, his life, career, and relationship were already ruined, why not set fire to the ashes.

“Because I wanted him to be you! Is that what you wanted to hear from me?! That I go and basically whore myself out because I can’t keep myself from wanting to be with you, is that what you really wanted to hear?! Why couldn’t you just let it go-kirff!” He cursed, turning from Thrawn as he felt the hot prick of tears at his eyes before they slipped down his cheeks. Damn, damn him, damn it all. Now he was crying right after pouring his heart out and ripping the bandage off. He really was just some stupid lovesick teenager. This was all just a damn mess. “Can you please let me go?” He sobbed, rubbing angrily at his teary eyes, not daring to look back at the Chiss.

“No.” Thrawn answered, and of course he would. Kriff him, Eli didn’t have to listen to him, they weren’t on duty. He started for the refresher, set to lock himself in there until morning, when arms wrapped around him from behind, pulling him back against what could only be Thrawn’s chest.

“Thrawn, what are you doing? Let me go!” He struggled slightly, trying to pull away and escape into the refresher, his only salvation.

“No.”

“Thrawn-”

“Eli.” Thrawn pulled Eli a step back, resting his chin on Eli’s shoulder, his voice right beside his ear. “You think of me, you seek out other men because you wish to bed with me?”

“Yes! I said that. Please, stop making fun of me!” He tried again to struggle free, but Thrawn only tightened his hold.

“What if I said that I dreamt of you in my bed as well. Of you in my arms, hand in my own, dreamt of tasting your lips, what would you say?”

“I’d say you’re a filthy liar who’s cruelly playing with my emotions!” He shouted back, but couldn’t ignore the feelings stirring in his heart, a sense of hope, the longing coming back tenfold.

“And if it's all true, if I longed for you the way you long for me?”

“Then I’d want you to prove it.” And prove it Thrawn did. He spun Eli in an instant, so they were face to face, and claimed his lips in one fell swoop. If Eli’s heart could beat out of his chest, it would have at that moment. The one dream that had been plaguing Eli’s mind and soul for years now, was a reality right before his eyes. Thrawn’s firm hands on his shoulders, warm lips against his own, pressing tightly, filling him with the Chiss’ heart. He thought he’d melt into a puddle.

Thrawn pressed harder, backing him up until his back hit the refresher door, lips moving in a desperate way, like a silent plea for Eli to kiss back. Absolutely nothing in the galaxy could have stopped him from kissing back. As soon as his own lips began moving with Thrawn’s, the Chiss made a small groan in the back of his throat, and slotted his entire body with Eli’s.

“I can taste that perverted man.” Thrawn panted as he pulled away, staring into Eli’s eyes. He took another kiss, then another before speaking again. “I want only my taste on your lips, my scent in your neck.”

Want, Thrawn wanted, and he wanted Eli. Wanted Eli, seemingly as badly as Eli wanted him. That grim subtle rage he’d seen on Thrawn when he found him, wasn’t directed at Eli for finding him in such an unprofessional situation, but at the man, who had the audacity to touch what Thrawn wanted.

“Please,” he pleaded, “I only want you. Stars Thrawn, I love you and it’s been eating me inside all these years.” His tears had stopped now, but the desperation was still in his voice.

“I love you, Eli.” And if there was a heaven waiting for him at the end of this long life, it couldn’t be any better than those words whispered on Thrawn’s lips.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” He asked as Thrawn’s lips trailed lower to his neck, kissing a heated trail as he went.

“Why did you not?” Thrawn countered, which he supposed was fair.

“I didn’t think you were interested. You had to know I was!” He wasn’t good at hiding it, and Thrawn was too observant for his own good.

“I did, I’m sorry Eli. I thought it would be impopper, I am your superior officer, it would be an abuse of authority. So I left the decision up to you, it seems to have been a poor choice.”

“The worst one you’ve ever made.” He placed his hands on Thrawn’s cheeks, pulling him up for another deep kiss, already drunk off the sensation.

“You reek of that man.” Thrawn growled, in a predatory way that sent heat pooling down in his gut. “Wash him off, let me replace him.”

“They were always meant to be a substitute for you.” He defended, but complied, reluctantly letting Thrawn step out of his grasp. “Wait, why did you follow me in the first place?” Thrawn looked at him then quickly shifted his gaze, almost as if he were embarrassed.

“I grew concerned of your nightly habits. You would leave, usually frustrated, and come back either despondent or unsatisfied. I was worried you were in trouble and required assistance, so I followed you to act as support.”

“I’ve never been so happy and angry at something you’ve done before now. Never follow me in secret again, but I’m happy you did this time.” He leaned up, placing a small kiss to Thrawn’s cheek before stepping back to lean against the refresher door again.

“You have my word, Eli. I will do no such thing again.”

“Good.” He smiled, a thought striking him, a heat reaching up his cheeks. “Would you care to assist me in scrubbing that bar man off of me?” He asked, and slipped inside the refresher before Thrawn could answer. He did not need to. Because the Chiss joined him shortly after.

Maybe all those holodramas were right, maybe they had been on to something. Love was an all encompassing warm feeling, it just sometimes got hot enough to burn. And maybe love wasn’t always reciprocated, but he’s eternally grateful that this time it was. And maybe, people do get their happily ever afters. And maybe, just maybe, love was for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't going to post this initially so, here you go. This originally was supposed to by a fluffy sorta look at Eli falling in love with Thrawn after not believing in Love, but it sorta took and angst turn as you can see. I hope you enjoyed, Kudos' and Comments are most appreciated <3
> 
> Stay Wizard  
~[Mortis](https://mortisbane.tumblr.com/)


End file.
